Church Roadie

There have been many things that I have done so far in my short twenty-five years of life and many people who know me today would believe the adventures I have had. Except there is one thing that people do tend to be surprised. I used to be a roadie in a band.

Now mind you, it wasn’t a famous band and I didn’t go on cross country tours, but it was a real band and I travelled with them to different shows and learned how to set up and take down musical equipment and sell merchandise on occasion.

The band was the Graffiti Monkeys and it consisted of four of my good friends from my home church, Wake Forest Christian. For almost two years, I went with them to different shows and helped out anyway I could, and they always included me in the events and after show celebrations. Those were some of the best moments of my life.

However, it has taken me almost eight years to understand why being a roadie for the Graffiti Monkeys was so important in my life.

You see, I wasn’t just a random member of the group. I was someone who was welcomed and then wanted along in their journey.

Everyone wants to be welcomed, but I’m not sure we talk enough about how much people just desire to be wanted by others. It’s nice to feel welcomed but being wanted is the next step in feeling included. You can be welcomed once into a group or even many times but can still never really feel included. When you are wanted, that’s not just recognition but confirmation that the group does truly welcome you and wants you to be a part with them.

I wasn’t just a fan of the Graffiti Monkeys who was welcomed to their shows. I was a roadie who was wanted to help and celebrate before, during, and after shows.

I personally find this to be such a huge problem in many of our churches. I hear so many times from different people that the church as a whole is dying, and people keep trying to figure out a way to fix this problem.

I can’t say I know how to solve the whole problem, but I can say at least that we as the church should work on making people feel wanted when they step through our doors. This includes new people and people who have been at the church since the start. All people need to feel wanted and this means all people of different backgrounds, identities, and expressions.

There is this underlying assumption that if a person is made to feel welcomed once, then they will stick around. It’s why I believe you have church signs constantly say, “You are welcome”. But never have I seen a church sign say, “You are wanted”.

We can’t live under the “Welcome Once” assumption anymore. Instead, we need to extend our welcome into “Wanted Always”.

But how do we make people feel wanted?

Well, I would say that you do what the Graffiti Monkeys unintentionally did for me:

They invited me to all their shows.

They asked for help on certain tasks.

They invited me to celebrate either before or after concerts.

They made me feel like an important and valued member of the group, even though I was not a musician or played with them on the stage.

My lack of musical talents was not what was important. What was important is that they allowed me to use what gifts and talents I do have to be a part of the group.

There is not a limit to the gifts that can be helpful in the church. Everyone has a part to play and everyone can help serve and love our neighbors.

Ministry and life has not quota on skills and talents. There are no limitations in how people can be included into the church or any group for that matter.

So may we begin to treat people in the church like roadies: invited to help out in the service of others, feeling included in the fellowships and celebrations that occur, and embraced with the skills and gifts they were given by God.

May all people be made to feel welcomed and wanted in any group they desire to be a part of.

Peace,

Tears are Sacred

A little over a week ago, I was ordained as a minister into the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ). The service was lovely and I was blessed by everyone who physically and spiritually attended. Once the service was over, a person came up to me and shared that she was sorry that she was crying.

This moment has stayed with me since then because I keep thinking, “Why must we be sorry for our tears?”

I understood though why she apologized for her tears. Many times, tears are seen as a burden on other people.

Both men and women are taught that tears are only appropriate during exceptional moments (such as when a person has died or at a funeral). Outside of these moments, tears seem to only place a burden on others.

For example, if I cry, then someone must come and take care of me. Or my tears might mean I am just seeking attention. These are assumptions and they only serve to shut up someone’s tears. The reality is that our tears are the bodies response to the pain and sorrow that needs to be released and heard.

When a person feels they cannot share their tears, it can be hurtful and even dangerous. It can transfer into solitude, self-harm, anger, and even abuse.

I tend to hide my tears from the majority of people in my life. As a man, I was taught that crying was not a “manly” activity to do. Or another example is that my tears represent weakness and as a man, I must be strong and supportive toward others and anything I process must be done in private.

These implicit teachings have now made it difficult for myself to cry in front of others. I feel I must apologize for my tears if I do manage to cry in front of others. Like somehow, my tears are hurting another human being and I must apologize for crying.

No matter what reason we may have concerning the nature of hiding our tears, I want to remind you all that tears are okay.

The understanding that tears can harm another person is completely false. Tears are not harmful agents. Tears are healing agents. They are the beginning step for releasing of our emotions. They are the reminders that our emotions cannot be bottled up if we expect to heal from our sorrow and pain.

There are many people who look at human emotions as messy, chaotic features of the human experience. And I agree. Emotions are messy, and they can be chaotic in people’s lives. But that doesn’t make emotions any less sacred, if not more sacred for their chaotic natures.

The Divine of my understanding is a being of creation. In our creation, people are made with human emotions. Thus, human emotions are not just okay, but are sacred.

The same is true with our tears. Our tears are sacred because they come from the authentic parts of our soul and were given from the Divine that seeks for us to be comforted and healed through out pain and sorrow.

To hide our tears is to hide who we are. And no one deserves to hide the wonderful, beautiful person that you were created to be.

If you have been taught that you shouldn’t cry in front of others or that tears are harmful toward other people, I am so sorry you experienced those teachings. Because I believe that is not what the Divine of Love and comfort had in mind when the Divine created you and me.

Tears are okay. It is good to cry in front of people and not hide them. I look at the power of public laments and witness the crowds crying together and I see not one person apologizing for their tears. When we come together to share the emotions on our hearts, we embrace our humanity and that is sacred.

So as I finish this blog post, I personally take on the challenge to not apologize for my tears to anyone I cry with or in front of. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry for my tears”, I now want to say, “Thank you for witnessing my tears and allowing me to be me in front of you”.

My tears are sacred. Your tears are sacred. Our tears are sacred.

May we remember this truth and may we walk in love with our Ruahs.

Peace,

Proud to Be Me

Very recently, I was having a conversation with my cousin about the reboot show, Queer Eye. As we both identify as gay males, I assumed that he would have watched the show and loved it like I did. While he had watched the show, he was not happy with it to my surprise. He saw the show as too “homo-normative” and seemed to only represent the stereotypical gay man. This saddened me as that was not the message I saw from the show.

It is true that the five guys on the show portrayed many of the stereotypical characteristics of gay men such as colorful clothing and flamboyant gestures. It is also true that as a gay man, I did not relate my personality to any of the guys as I am much more timid, quiet, and not at all a touchy feely type of person.

However, even though I am not like the guys on the show, I still loved the show for one huge reason.

The entire premise of the show is about being proud of who you are and not afraid to show who you are to others.

Each guy is different from each other as well. Despite being gay, none of them talked the same, acted the same, had the same abilities or passions. But they showed that it is okay to be proud of who you are and to create the best possible you, by taking care of your hygiene, your living space, your clothing, your food, and your attitudes in life.

They showed that it is okay to be who you are and to share who you are with others.

I feel too often, especially in LGBTQIA culture, we see some people and either implicitly or explicitly say that we love them for who they are yet tell them they need to tone down who they are in order to belong.

Or on the other extreme, we say a person is not “Gay or Queer” enough because of their personality differences and life circumstances.

Both of these extremes upsets me because it implies that there is a standard or a requirement of belonging into the LGBTQIA community. Our community should be all about inclusion and a space where people of all colors of the rainbow can come together and feel welcome and belonging, despite how different we might be from each other.

Sadly though, our community has not grasped this concept fully. Too many people in the community are racist toward our queer members of color. And then too many are transphobic or feed into Bi-Erasure or disregard persons who identify as asexual. The list goes on of the non-inclusion atmosphere that the LGBTQIA community is currently facing.

June is the month known as LGBTQIA Pride month, where we can remember to be Proud of who we are.

But there are no requirements of who gets to be proud and who doesn’t in our community.

We should all be proud of who we are, no matter our differences, no matter what color we shine or who we love or how we gender identify.

No matter your identity or how you decide to share your personality, I am so glad that the world has you in it!

So may we take this month as a reminder to be Proud of who we are, yet also be Proud of all Queer Persons and celebrate them for who they are in this world!

This is why Queer Eye is such a beautiful show because they celebrated the many complexities and personalities that make us human. When I watched the show, I didn’t think, “Oh, I guess I’m not gay enough because I don’t act like any of them”. I saw the show and realized, “Wow, I am a wonderful human being and I am proud to be gay and me”.

So may you be proud of who you are, no matter who you are, and may you love yourself fully and completely and celebrate the fearfully and wonderfully made person that you are!

Peace,

What has happened to random kindness?

“Be brave because you are a child of God.

Be kind because everyone else is too.”

A few weeks ago, I was selling some of my books at a Half Price Books store. While waiting to see how much my books were worth, I noticed a woman struggling to get something from the top shelf. Since I was tall, I knew my “skills” would come in handy and I assisted her. She was grateful for my actions and it sparked a friendly conversation. About a half hour later though, when I was checking out, she was in line ahead of me and made the comment, “Oh! I thought you worked here!”

It was an honest mistake, but one that made me think: Why did she assume I was an employee instead of a person just helping another person?

I made the realization that she assumed I was an employee because an employee is required to assist their customers. A random person has no requirement but has a choice. And the woman was surprised because I made a choice that does not typically happen anymore. I chose to see the woman and show love in that moment.

To see another human being seems easy. I mean we see people all the time: at work, at school, on the street, on tv; everywhere we go, there are just other people to see.

But are we really noticing the other people we see with our eyes? Our eyes typically notice more things than we ever realize. Often times, its our brain that tends to miss details.

However, this isn’t just what our brains might miss when we see, but what our heart misses as well.

When we are born, we are created with an incredible power…the power to love. With that power, comes the ability to see the Divine and the Human in all persons. To see another person with gifts and flaws.

Despite the fact that we have this power, the choice to use it is rarely seen in our world.

And it’s understandable. It’s hard to love. It’s hard to see another human being when we have so many responsibilities running through our minds, distracting us from what can be right in front of us.

And then there could be fears, fear of loving someone and not being loved back. Showing kindness toward others and not fairly being the recipient of that same love. It’s a real fear that too often happens in our world as well.

There are many reasons why love can be hard, and I am still learning to see the other person and love them for who they are. I am far from perfect. In order to learn, I look upon those who are making a difference in our world through their kindness and love.

 My first semester in divinity school, my friends and I were driving over for a gettogether. On our way, I noticed a woman sitting on the side of the street with all her belongings. My heart felt sad for the woman. Before I knew it, we were pulling into a Walgreens next to where the woman was sitting. My friend, Stephen, felt compassion for the woman and decided to go speak with her. In their conversations, he found out that all she wanted was to sell her drawings. She wasn’t asking for pity, but just for someone to see her and appreciate her gift of art. Stephen bought her drawing and ironically, it was the image of an eye.

I find this picture to be ironic because it represents that he had seen her as a child of God and as a human being.

It takes a lot of work to see and love someone, even if it is a person that we know. It takes time, it takes effort, it takes listening, and most importantly, it takes dropping what we think we know and simply being present.

Too often, we see people based on appearances or assumed identities. To love another means dropping what we think we know and take the time to hear who that person is.

This is a challenge for me and I offer this challenge for you as well: To see a person fully as they are and show random kindness to all persons that we meet. Not out of requirements, but as genuine care for the other person.

Who knows? Maybe if all persons lived into this challenge, the world might not be as scary a place to live in sometimes?

To love in a world that seems to be filled with hate is especially difficult. I like to believe that love and random kindness is like a ripple in the water. It can spread and influence other people’s lives and give them the opportunity to also create their own ripple that helps others and influences others.

This is my hope for the world: to create ripples that reach everyone I meet and help others to create ripples of their own. To show random kindness and love to everyone we meet. May it be so.

May your heart and Ruah be receivers and givers of love,

Peace.

Holy Week Reflections: Dark Night of the Soul

While this is a reflection on Holy Week, I also devote this reflection to Rev. Jamie Brame, who not only is an influential minister in my life, but has acted as my spiritual mentor, Supervisor, and a close personal friend for many years. Jamie has served as Program Director (previously Church Relations Director) of Christmount for over 25 years. He has been a spiritual guide for several generations of campers that have come to Christmount for camp and I honored to say that I was one of those campers. His wisdom has helped me during difficult times and may they do the same for you as well.

In the gospels of the New Testament, there are several scriptures in which describe Jesus, before his arrest and betrayal, went to the Garden of Gethsemane and prayed. Jesus prayed all the time. He prayed with his Disciples, he prayed in the community, and I’m sure he even prayed with his enemies.

But this prayer was different. In this prayer, we find Jesus, disturbed in Spirit and heavy with the burden that is about to happen. In the garden, Jesus flat out tells God, “Remove this cup, this burden from me, yet not my will but your will be done”.

This is such a powerful prayer!

It is a prayer that is intimate. It is a prayer that is honest. It is a prayer that is comforting.

The scene in the garden reminds me that even the Son of God experienced a Dark Night of the soul.

Now don’t let the name fool you. A dark night is not always something that occurs within a few hours or a day. A dark night of the soul can last for weeks, months, and even years. We experience a dark night of the soul when our spirits, the very core of our beings feels lost, disconnected, confused, or even separated from the God that loves us.

To experience a dark night of the soul is not a pleasant process. Many people often suffer from these dark nights and struggle to recover.

Even Jesus had his dark night of the soul. And we see that in his moment of despair, in his night of eventual betrayal and death, Jesus decides the appropriate response is to pray.

Jesus was no stranger to prayers. Jesus knew the ancient psalms of his ancestors. He knew how to meditate and speak to God like a parent, like his Abba. Jesus was a spiritual master. So this prayer in the garden was not something he did all of a sudden. Jesus already had a long history of praying and being open and honest with God. This history is important because it helps us to know that our dark night of the soul cannot be solved just by a single prayer, but by praying unceasingly throughout our life.

One of my spiritual homes on this earth is Christmount Christian Assembly at Black Mountain, NC. Not only do I feel at home within the mountains, but Christmount has always had a long history of embracing and teaching spirituality. The main reason is because of the Rev. Jamie Brame.

Jamie Brame not only serves as Program Director at Christmount, but for over 20 years, he has directed and keynoted the CYF Conference for high school campers. While each camp is different to be sure, we were always taught how important our spiritual lives matter.

One of the many lessons Jamie taught me while at Christmount was how spirituality is like physical exercise. When you exercise, you start out small and short. You begin with a 10 minute walk, or 5lbs weights. Then you move up to a 30 minute walk or 10lbs weights. You gradually increase your exercise practice, which takes both time and energy.  

The same is true for spiritual disciplines and prayer. Jamie always tells a story about taking his youth group back when he was in college to a monk monastery. Jamie visited the monastery and had been very good friends with many of the monks there. One of the monks was speaking to his youth and one had asked, “How long do I need to pray every day?” The monk answered, “three minutes”. The wisdom from this answer is not only that you devote yourself to a task of daily praying, but when you start your prayers small, you can later increase your prayers much like you would if you were exercising.

As you begin your prayers as simple and small, you allow them to gradually grow. You can begin with the simple Jesus prayer in which you say, “Have mercy on me, a sinner, yet one whom you love”. Or pray for someone else by simply saying a person’s name and having faith that God is already at work within that person’s life and doesn’t need to know all the details of their situation.

How you pray is between you and God. The way we pray is remembering that love is at the core of our relationship with the Creator.

When we are in our dark night of the soul, love seems distant or even gone. We may not even be aware that God is still present during these dark nights. That’s where spiritual discipline and prayer comes in. If we start praying now and pray every day, even if its three minutes a day, then when the dark night of the soul enters our lives, we are able to endure the night.

The dark nights don’t get easier. Jesus still suffered and died. But Jesus was able to realize that he was not alone in his suffering. God was still there, accompanying him to his last breath. When Jesus says, “not my will, but your will”, Jesus is not resigning himself to suffer, because Jesus knows God is not a divine being that enjoys our suffering. Instead, Jesus is putting all of his trust in God to not leave him during his darkest moments.

Prayer takes trust. Trust in the God that loves and cares for us. It may make prayer more difficult.

However, as a person who has experienced my own share of the dark night of the soul, I have both experienced moments where I had no spiritual disciplines and a few spiritual disciplines. The nights I had the comfort of prayer after days of feeling lost and confused were more comforting than when I had no prayer at all.

So as we enter this Holy Week, may we look upon Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, praying to his Abba openly and honestly. May we learn what it means to pray everyday so that when we are in our own dark night of the soul, we may have the comfort of a God who is present during our darkest moments. And may we have the courage to put our trust in God: “Not my will, but your will be done”.

Peace,

God is Love

This is the first of my series on what I have learned from ministers in my life and how these ministers have influenced and shaped my ministerial identity. I met Rev. Jay Deskins in 2010 when I was a camper at Christmount. I later worked under Jay for two summers at Christmount as part of the camp staff. Jay is a wonderful minister with a great passion for youth and I consider him not only a ministerial role model but a great friend. I thank him for the influence he’s had on my life.

It was the summer of 2010. A wonderful summer for many reasons. One of the biggest reasons was the week I spent at Christmount’s CYF Conference. I never did camp at Christmount before this year, so my soul was curious and anxious.

But I wasn’t anxious because I was going to camp. At this point, I was getting used to camp life and had also done a week at Camp Caroline the week before.

My anxiety came from a faith crisis I was struggling with at the time.

In 2008, I took an elective course in High school called “Religions of the World: The Bible in History”. The course taught me both biblical history as well as the five major religions of the world: Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. It was the first time I had direct learning about the world’s other religions and after that class was over, I grew a greater appreciation for learning about how other faith’s traditions view and interact with the world. This course even encouraged me to pursue a Religious Studies degree in college.

However, between that class and the CYF Conference at Christmount, I learned, either directly or indirectly, that some Christian theologies and interpretations of biblical scriptures reject other religions and even state that if someone does not believe in Christ, then they will go to hell.

This disturbed me greatly. While I proclaimed myself as a follower of Christ, I was not comfortable with the fact of God banishing people to hell simply for having a different belief.

For a long time, I was not sure what to believe about the faith I choose to follow. Should I just accept this “fact” and go on for my life? Should I renounce my membership in the Christian church? I had no idea what to do nor did I have the language to understand my inner frustrations around this eschatological question.

So I went to Christmount in June with these questions and anxiety and left with my understanding of God restored. How you may ask? To be honest, there were so many wonderful things that happened that week of camp, but one of them came from one man: Jay Deskins.

I never knew Jay before that week, but he was both my small group leader and cabin counselor. I could tell Jay had a wild and fun side about him, but there was much wisdom and spirituality as well. For example, while we had fun and played games in our small group, we always began with prayer and always ended with prayer.

And it was Jay who helped me with my faith dilemma that week.

Every night, the entire camp would create a circle of chairs in Aldridge hall. Throughout the week, campers were encouraged if they had any God, faith, or life question to anonymously write it and put it in the “Question box”. Then right before worship, a counselor or director would read the question and the entire camp would discuss it. No matter what the question or the camper’s beliefs about that question, the discussions were always civil and respectful. We called these moments as “God Talks”.

Well, I was brave enough to write my question. I don’t remember what most of the people said, but I will always remember what Jay said.

“I cannot believe in an all loving God that will send any of his children to hell”.

His statement hit me like a pound of bricks. And I knew instantly that Jay was right. I do believe in an all loving God. And I do believe that God, being the divine source of love in our universe, is not a God who seeks punishment against non-believers of Christianity. At least that is the God I choose to believe in.

Since that God talk, I have shaped my ministry around God’s eternal love for all of God’s children and I know the rest of my ministry will always believe that God is love. No matter who you are or what you believe. You are loved, because God loves you.

May this story help you remember that God is love and give you a similar hope that I received when I heard this message from the amazing Jay Deskins many years ago.

Peace, 

"Good Old Days"

It was about month ago that I was driving home from work one day. It’s about a thirty-minute drive and I decided to have the radio on. Typically, I listen to the country music station, but this day, I decided to listen to an alternative rock station. The song that came on was “Good Old Days” by Macklemore and featuring Kesha. Full disclaimer, I’m not a hip hop or rap fan. It’s two of my least favorite musical genres. But for some reason, I decided to listen to the song all the way through and it became one of my favorite songs.

The morals of the song are that don’t let the good days pass you by and that no matter where we are in life, we are always going to miss a part of our past. There is one line in the chorus that particularly struck me, as it affects where I am in my life right now: “Someday soon your whole life is going to change, you’ll miss the magic of these good old days”.

2017 was a good year. I would even put it under the “Good old days” category later in life, along with my time at Barton College, working with the RCYW, ancient family holiday traditions, and growing up at Wake Forest Christian Church. And I know that come next year, my life will change.

2018 will be full of changes. I’ll graduate with my Masters. I’ll be ordained as a minister. I will be working full time and no longer be a student. And these are only the changes I am aware of.

As I wonder how much my life will change just around the corner, it makes me reflect on the “good old days” of just this past year.

I took ten different classes at Brite Divinity this year including: Pastoral care within the congregation, pastoral care as a response to aging, interpreting the Hebrew bible, history of Christian ethics, Christian worship, narrative pastoral counseling, Christian Church Disciples of Christ, Supervised ministry I, exegesis on the book of Job, and Christian theology of religions.

In the Spring and the Fall, I continued my work as the ministry intern at Ridglea Christian Church. At Ridglea, I lead several Sunday schools, youth groups, and even a few adult classes. I assisted with three funerals. I preached four times, including a Stewardship and Advent type sermon. I visited people in the hospital and nursing homes. I assisted people who were struggling with homelessness. And I even had the opportunity to lead an entire worship service as the acting ministerial figure in April.

I counseled my first JYF retreat in January, the first annual autism retreat in October, and the Chi-Rho fall retreat in November all at Disciples Crossing camp.

I took on a part time job at a private organization called Valet Waste, in which my position required that I collect trash from people’s apartments to local trash dumpsters.

I moved from my apartment in Fort Worth and into a new apartment in Arlington with my good friend Stephen.

I watched my best friend, Mary, walk across the Barton College stage and achieve her Bachelors in Religious Studies (with the Greek language) and Math.

I had one of the most interesting summer experience as I worked for the first time at UNC Rex Hospital in Raleigh, NC as an Intern Chaplain. My time as a Chaplain required to me to think critically about not only my theory but my practice of providing care for patients, family, and staff who are entering some of the hardest moments in their life. Not only that, but my time as a Chaplain required that I learn more about who I am and my identity as a future minister.

I entered into a relationship with my boyfriend, Charlie, and the times we have shared together have been some of the best moments of my life thus far.

I had my third meeting with the Commission on Ministry in North Carolina, in which I am now one more meeting away from being approved for Ordination.

I enjoyed many memorable moments with my friends in seminary, including but not limited to: Halloween party, Friendsgiving, Squadmas, and game nights.

And I ended the year by watching my good friend Josh marry his husband Andrew.

The approaching new year tends to make us think about all that’s happened this past year. And sometimes, we often regret that those memories are now gone. That’s why we call them “good old days”.

While the moments we experienced this year are now past, that doesn’t mean our “good old days” are now gone. I affirm that many good old days are ahead of us. And it’s when we spend too much time thinking about our past, that we can easily miss what we have right in front of us.

I will admit, though there were plenty of moments this year that I loved, there are just as many moments I missed. I don’t want to enter the 2018 year missing more moments and spending time regretting that I missed them later.

So as we enter the 2018 year, may you embrace all the new good old day moments that appear in front of you. Take the time to be with friends, enjoy the flowers so to speak, and make each day a new memorable moment in your life.

May your being be filled with Peace, Love, and your entire Ruah.