Human Knots

Very recently, I was in a car wreak while traveling back to Texas for my second year of seminary. I won’t lie and say it was alright. It was an horrible experience. Things could have been much worse. I could have been injured severely. Others could have been injured severely. But the near experience of almost causing harm to others or myself is still traumatic.

However, as traumatic as the experience was, I am discovering that the aftermath is much worse. There is so much that needs to be done from what had happened. Insurances need to be notified. Car supplies need to be collected. New forms of transportation need to be discovered. Mental and emotional stability needs to be re balanced.

And that is only from the accident itself.

There are plenty of other stresses that need to be addressed. Such as finding a job…without easy transportation. Or preparing for the school semester. Or even small things like groceries or household supplies. And then there are money expenses from all different fronts.

Throughout all of these stresses, I feel like a combination of several tangled knots that keep getting more and more knotted.

Have you ever feel that way?

You know you have a problem and you try to fix the problem, but it’s either hard or difficult because you got several other knots to try and untangle.

In many ways, humans are a web of knots from all the stress that either we put on ourselves or the stress that others of the world put on us.

And the main tragedy of it all is that we don’t know how to untangle our knots or know how to untangle the knots of others.

It’s a problem I struggle with all the time.

This past summer, I was Camp Staff Director at Christmount. During one camp, I had a camper come up to me and ask if I could untangle her bracelet for her. The entire bracelet was a huge mess of knots, but I told her I would try.

I must have spent several hours untangling her bracelet but I eventually untangled each knot so it was back to how it was in the beginning.

Many people who had tried to untangle the bracelet before me asked how I did it. I told them I took my time. I didn’t see the entire mess of knots and try to fix the whole thing, but untangled one knot at a time.

I feel like many people try to untangle all of their problems all at once and think that will solve all of their problems. I see it all the time during New Years. Almost everyone tries to solve all of their problems through a New Year’s Resolution. Somehow, through that resolution, all of the problems they had the previous year will be resolved by making promises to themselves which they more than likely cannot keep.

It is true that a lot of our problems have some kind of connection to the other problems we have in our lives. But that doesn’t mean we have to solve all the problems at the same time. Sometimes, we need to give a problem the attention it deserves so it can be resolved properly.

And problems can’t be solved properly when they are being rushed. The impulse to try and get a problem out of our lives is extremely human. I do it a lot because I am impatient and having a problem in your life is extremely uncomfortable.

But have you ever noticed that when you try to quickly untangle a knot, you either don’t get the knot untangled or worse, you create more knots?

I notice that the frustration of realizing you can’t quickly untangle knot results in either giving up on untangling the knots, trying to cut the entire string to get rid of the knots, or continuously creating more and more knots.

Giving up on the knots won’t solve the problems we have. As much as it would be easy to pretend they are not there, the knots don’t disappear when we give up on them. They are still present and tangled.

Cutting the knots off the string also won’t solve the problem. When we cut the string, we are ripping out an entire piece of who you are or a relationship you had that was special to you. Cutting the string can sometimes do more damage than having the mess of knots.

And of course continually creating more and more knots won’t solve the problem.

Only when we take the time to solve each knot can the entire string be resolved.

And yes, it will take time. It will sometimes take years to untangle several of our knots. It will take years to help untangle the knots of others.

Many times we want a quick fix and a quick fix does not always exist, especially when we have several other knots connected to the knot we are trying to fix.

True healing can only be solved when we don’t run away from the knots. When we don’t try to cause more harm to ourselves or to others. And when we are impatient with the process.

So I hope you realize it is okay that you have human knots. We all have them and don’t feel like you have to quickly untangle your knots. Take the time to untangle each knot. And don’t be afraid to get help from others in trying to untangle your knots.

Yes, our knots are scary. Yes, our knots make us uncomfortable.

But there is hope. You are loved and God lives in you through your Ruah, helping you untangle your knots so you may be in balance with your life.

Peace, 

Friday the 13th is a Good Day

Happy Friday the 13^th Everyone! Oh wait…is this day happy?

I mean, growing up, I was led to believe that any day that the 13^th of the month fell on a Friday, bad luck will happen. And the weird thing was that tons of people have claimed that this day was bad luck for them. So naturally, as a child, I was weary of this day and all the terrible things that might happen to me.

It’s interesting how we give power to certain things to control our lives.

For example, have you ever just listened avoided a song because it brings out uncomfortable emotions within you? We give the song an uncomfortable power that forces us to avoid it and everything connected to it.

It’s the same with Friday the 13^th. We perceive this day as a bad omen. A day when terrible things will happen to us.

But is it the day that causes bad things to happen?....or is it ourselves?

I have come to learn that the most powerful thing we possess is our minds. Our minds have the power to be our greatest ally. Or sometimes, our minds have the power to be our greatest enemy. It's within our minds that we see and experience the world in either the light or the darkness. And through the power of our minds, we are able to alter the reality that we perceive to be truth.

We can see a man and a woman crying in church and our minds can perceive different scenarios.

Perhaps they are crying because they have finally been accepted in the church? Or perhaps they are crying because the message from the Pastor was hurtful to them?

We can choose to see the negative side of things or the positive side of things.

I believe that too many people choose to perceive that Friday the 13^th is a day of negativity. They choose to believe that bad things will happen to them and as a result, bad things occur.

For the past several years, I have perceived Friday the 13^th as a positive day. A day that good things can happen. And you know what, I have had no bad lucks on the past Friday the 13^ths in many years. I may not have had miracles or amazing life changes on these days. But they were still positive days and I am thankful for that.

So how can we make the change to see the world from a negative light and see it in a more colorful light?

It’s very easy in the morning to wake up and first thing we say is, “Today is going to suck”. But how do we know the day is going to suck?

I don’t believe that anyone truly sees the future. We can guess and we can have assumptions that are close, but we can truly never know what the future has in store for us.

The future has surprised me on more than one occasion and it’s through these surprises that I know that I can truly never know the future.

So how do I know its going to be a bad day? I don’t.

How do I know its going to be a good day? I don’t.

The definitions of good and bad are not as cut and dry as we were led to believe.

For example, a woman worked all day in a high stress job. She’s been on her feet for several hours and she hasn’t had a chance to take a break. She gets home at the end of the day and comes home to a loving spouse and a maybe a child or a pet.

Was this a good day or a bad day?

You can say it was bad because of the stress from her job. Or you can say it was good because in the end, she came home to be with the people she loved.

In all honestly, its really not up to us to determine the quality of another person’s day. The only person who can do that is the person living through the experience of the day.

However, it is my hope that for all of us who choose to see and experience the negative sides of our days, we can make the decision to see the day in a more positive light.

You’d be surprised just how much your day will be better once you step out of the shadows.

Things wont’ become easier, but there is a good chance you will be happier.

As a wonderful Minister and a positive role model always says, “It’s the Best Day Ever!” (Rev. Allison Lanza).

So Happy Friday the 13^th Everyone! May it be “the Best Day Ever!” and may you be fully embrace your Ruah while celebrating the positive energy that is all around us!

Hope in a Bitter World

A while back, I was having lunch with a good friend of mine from seminary. For a good four hours or more, we discussed our lives and delved into some really deep conversations. Near the end of our conversation, he made a comment that has stuck with me for a while.

“You have an old soul Kevin that has yet to become embittered by the world”

I am unaware of what exactly would lead him to make such a remark, but it made me think about the validity of his comment for a long time.

It is true. I would classify myself as an old soul. I am not drawn so easily into the social active life that so many of my peers and the newer generations are into these days. I prefer silent meditations and simply enjoy the little things and moments in life.

Though my old soul persona may make me “boring” in the eyes of many, I see it more as that I prefer to walk a more quiet and softly lit path. I do not need to rush on my path. My path and I are friends and I am content with this relationship that I have with the path. As I wrote in my “Embrace Your Story” post, you should always be okay with the true self that you are and not an identity that someone else has chosen for you. Thus, I am happy with my old soul persona.

Now, the part about me not becoming embittered by the world leaves me a bit unsettled.

It is also true that while I am a realist, deep down in my soul, I choose to see the positive and cling to the hope that lives in our world. I have classified myself as a Realistic Optimist. I am not so moved by the answer, “Everything is going to be alright”, because in our world, everything doesn’t turn out alright.

Life is messy. As one of my Seminary Professors has stated, no one makes it through this world without some brokenness and that speaks so much truth. However, what we do with our brokenness and the brokenness of others is what concerns me.

For my own brokenness, I choose to hold on to a small light of hope. I cannot speak to the nature of what this hope looks like in the future because I do not know. I do not know if I will see my mother again. But I choose to give my life for her, instead of becoming bitter over her death.

How easy would it be to become bitter after facing a trauma in your life? I would imagine that it is an easy chose to make and many people choose to make it. Of course, bitterness is not a single shade. It can take many forms: Revenge, Isolation, Depression, Violence, and even Suicide.

With these different kinds of bitterness, why would anyone want to choose them? The answer is simple. When you become bitter, you no longer have to feel.

In the middle of a heartbreaking conversation I was having with three really close seminary friends, a very true statement was brought up: “Feelings are gross”

Emotions are so terrible to bear a lot of the time. I often wonder why God gave us emotions at all if they sometimes cause us too much heartache. But perhaps the answer lies within the question.

If we believe in a God that loves us and cares for us with all of God’s heart, then the fact that God gave us emotions must mean something. What this would mean, I’m not entirely sure, but I would like to ponder a guess.

Emotions are what make us alive. God breathed life into us. This is why we have our Ruah. We are creatures that are meant to be alive, through the bad and the good. To become embittered would allow us to forget our Ruah; to become dead spirits walking around in empty bodies.

Think about it. Have you ever seen someone who has become so embittered by the world actually live? They may be alive by scientific criteria, but by spiritual criteria, they are not living anymore.

For this reason, I have chosen to not become embittered by the world. I choose life, not death.

I invite you all to make the same decision as I have. I can’t force any of you to make that decision. Only you can make it, but I promise that it is a decision that will give you peace and wholeness instead of degradation and turmoil.

But of course, how can I say that choosing not to become bitter will make things better?

I can’t promise that life won’t be messy anymore. I can’t promise that you will be safe from the dangerous and pain and sufferings of this world. We all have brokenness and none of us are immune.

As Rob Bell once said, “We come from the dust, we are fragile”.

However, my solution is not one that mends the brokenness or shields the ones who have not yet seen trauma. My solution is that of comfort and care.

It is a common belief that we must walk alone on this path we call life. While sometimes, there are problems that we can only fix on our own, that does not mean we avoid forming a community that supports us, that gives us care and comfort whenever we need a shoulder to cry on.

In my Religious Studies Senior Seminary course, I studied and presented how community involvement in the grieving process is so important for those who suffer from grief. In my presentation, I researched the Jewish practice of Sitting Shiva, the seven day mourning practice after the burial. Within this mourning period, the family or individual is embraced and comforted by the entire community. Sometimes, they simply sit together. Sometimes, they talk together. Many times, they eat together and worship together and pray together. During these difficult times, the community is there to offer support in whatever way the person in grief needs.

I find a lot of comfort in knowing that we are not alone in this journey.

Emotions may be tough to deal with. We sometimes don’t know what to do with them and want them to go away. I find that if we surround ourselves with a community that loves us and cares about us and takes the time to listen to us, then the emotions are not as hard to bear and will become tolerable for us to continue. Loving Communities helps us to not choose to be bitter, but instead choose hope.

Thus, I would like to take a moment to thank all the different communities that have been there for me in different capacities and different moments of my life thus far: My Family; Mary Taylor; The Graffiti Monkeys; The Friedleys; The Eubanks; Wake Forest Christian Church; First Christian Church of Wilson; St. Paul’s Christian Church; Barton College; Camp Caroline; Christmount; RCYW; Brite Divinity School; Seminary Squad; And everyone else who has been a part of my life, no matter how small or short.

As my spiritual mentor once and forever sang: “Give yourself to love, if love is what your after and open up your heart to the tears of laughter…”.

Remember that you are loved and to always remember and love your Ruah

Peace,

Resolutions and Reflections

“What the New Year Brings to you will depend a great deal on what you bring to the New Year”- Vern McLellan

Well, it’s the end of another year and soon the beginning of a new year. And you know what that means? Time to create a New Years Resolution which will be in effect for maybe the first few months or weeks or days…

We all do this, don’t we? We create lists of promises to do healthier things or be better people or something to benefit ourselves or other people, but somehow, they fly into the past of our other promises and we give up on them over time.

Why do we do this? To that question, I do not know the answer to, but I do have a suggestion for everyone who struggles with keeping their New Years Resolutions: Don’t make them.

Well, at least don’t make a New Years Resolution. I mean, it’s a nice tradition of making promises for a new year, but to me, it seems way too unrealistic. And worse, it creates this imaginary barrier in our minds that states, “Well, if I stop trying to work on what I wanted too early, I can just stop and try again next New Years”.

My question to you is…why wait? Instead of making a new years resolution, why not make a daily resolution? Each day, you make short term goals instead of a long term yearly goal.

For example, I hear from almost everyone that their New Years Resolution is going to be, “I’m going to be a better person”. Well, why not have that be a resolution when you wake up every morning instead of once at New Years? I guarantee that if your resolutions transitioned from being a yearly task to being a daily task in your life, they would be much more effective and helpful.

Now as for me, I’m not going to make a list of things I want to do better for next year. I’m going to start following my own advice and after each morning, I’m going to write down five simple tasks that I want to accomplish for the day. And each day, I will continue to make more simple tasks that will benefit me, benefit others, and maybe even benefit the Divine as well.

Every day is a new opportunity for positivity. So let us not wait every year to begin the opportunity. Let us start now.

But…since it is almost the end of the Year 2015, I do feel called to look back on all the events that I had encountered this year. And as I go through my events, I invite you to reflect and even share your own 2015 journey and how you got to the place that you are standing (or sitting) right now.

Looking back on my 2015, it is almost strange to see just how different my life was at the beginning of the year to where I am with my life now.

I was finishing up my final semester at Barton College. I had five classes: American Decade (1960s), World War II, Religion and Self, Health Healing and Religion, and Senior Seminar. These were some of my favorite classes that I took during my time at Barton, so not only did I get to take awesome classes for my final semester, but I also was able to finish with all As.

I was also working as the Ministry Intern at St. Paul’s Christian Church, which I started in August 2014. The interesting part was for the first three months, I was not only the Ministry Intern, but took on more responsibilities at the church when Diane Faires, the associate minister, went on her sabbatical. During that time, I lead the Chi-Rho and CYF youth groups, organized the mission trip for the summer, took on Sunday worship roles like communion, pastoral prayer, and even preaching. Once Diane returned in April, I was extremely relieved that she was back! Mostly because having Diane around makes everything so much better. But during the months that she was gone, I had a much clearer look on what it means to be a minister (from the practical viewpoint mostly) and though my preferred ministry career choice would be to not work in a church setting, I gained enough knowledge and observation that I would be able to manage working in a church setting if God leads me to that specific profession.

Speaking of preaching, I not only had a chance to preach at St. Paul’s in March and later in August, but I also had the opportunity at one of Barton’s Tuesday Worship services, and my home church, Wake Forest Christian Church. Through these opportunities, I grew to appreciate the power and task of preaching to a congregation and though it is still not my favorite thing to do, I learned that it is not a bad thing and can be even fun sometimes.

It’s also strange to think that my final moments as the College Delegate of RCYW were this year at the CYF Midwinter retreat. RCYW was one of the highlights of my college career, but it came the time to pass the torch to new future leaders. I have high hopes for the future of RCYW and I am proud to have served such a wonderful ministry for the CYF in North Carolina.

Along with these events, I also got to experience several adventures at the beginning of the year as well. I volunteered for my first Chi-Rho retreat at Camp Caroline. I participated in the College Retreat at Camp Caroline. My best friend, Mary, and I traveled to Black Mountain for Spring Break and even got to hike up under a waterfall! Mary and I also went to our first Gay Pride Festival in downtown Raleigh! And finally, I got to see several of my friends and family graduate from either college or high school: Matthew Friedley from Gilford Tech, John Friedley from Franklin Academy High School, and Jacob Fonner (my cousin) from Washington High School.

I guess, I also can’t omit that this year was also the year I graduate from Barton College. It feels strange to be a college graduate, but it is real nonetheless. I am proud of my hard work at Barton, achieving Magna Cume Lade, and earning my Bachelors of Arts in Religious Studies and History. I still have a lot of learning to do and a lot more challenges up ahead, but this one victory I will never forget.

And then came the summer adventures!

For the first time since being at Barton, I was not working over the summer at a camp ground. However, that didn’t stop me from being a volunteer at several camps throughout the summer.

At the beginning of the summer, I journeyed to Camp Caroline to work on the Prayer Labyrinth with the camp manager Casey Perry. Though the Labyrinth needs regular touch ups, it still was awesome to get the Labyrinth ready for summer use.

A week later, I traveled to the mountains of North Carolina and volunteered for Camp Sunshine I. The week was stressful, especially since I was the only male volunteer and I had to watch over two cabins, but it was still an enjoyable week nonetheless.

Another week had passed and before I knew it, I was back at Camp Caroline getting ready to volunteer for an awesome week of CYF Conference! The camp was so much fun to work with and the theme about learning other religions and being good neighbors to everyone was too perfect for words! Thanks to Diane Faries and Mallory Magelli for creating such a wonderful week!

And right afterwards, I got to experience another awesome week of CYF Conference at Christmount. Though the great Jamie Brame was unable to do many of his “Bramy” things for the week, it was still a great camp nonetheless and all the campers had a wonderful time, which makes me happy. And the best part was getting to lead a small group together with my best friend, Mary!

Before I knew it, I was traveling back up to Christmount for another week of Camp Sunshine. But this time, I wasn’t traveling alone. I led a Mission Trip with St. Paul’s youth to volunteer for Camp Sunshine. Diane, Hannah, James, and I were the adults and the youth included Zach, Jordon, Jackson, Nap, and Karyn. At first, I wondered if everyone would get something out of the trip and have a good time and thankfully, everyone said they had such a wonderful time! I even was told that a few of them wanted to do it again, which is always something you want to hear your youth say about a mission trip! Overall, a great week and a successful mission trip.

Right after the mission trip, I was once again back at Camp Caroline but only for a day. I traveled to see my friend Mallory be ordained by the North Carolina region of the Disciples of Christ Church. It was the first time I ever saw anyone being ordained and it was such a lovely event and I could not be more proud of Mallory for all her hard work and the future ministry she is going to do in her life!

For several weeks, I relaxed after traveling so much, but for the last time, I traveled back down to Camp Caroline only this time, to work as a staffer. Casey needed an extra hand for the week and was offering to pay me a week’s salary so I told him that I would take the job for the week. My job was almost exactly the same as the previous year (I worked at Camp Caroline in 2014), but I will say that Casey’s management skills and leadership made my experience that one week become so awesome! He is doing such incredible work and ministry at Camp Caroline and they could not be more blessed to have him! I am glad to have worked under him (even for only a week) and even more blessed to have him as a friend.

Immediately afterwards, I traveled all the way up to Washington PA to visit family for a week. It was going to be the last time I see them before moving down to Texas for graduate school. During this time, I took a day to just travel to different parts of the town that held a lot of old memories for me. I saw my Elementary school, my old trailer, my aunt’s old apartment, the park that we used to have Fourth of July picnics at, and many other places. So many memories filled my mind on that journey. It was nice to walk down memory lane, but soon it was going to be time to walk up the path that is called, my future.

After getting all my things packed, after seeing friends and family, it was time for me to begin my trip down to Fort Worth Texas to begin my new education career at Brite Divinity School. The journey was long…I mean SO long! But eventually I got to Fort Worth and moved into my apartment the next day.

The first few months were the most difficult. I was alone. I had no family or friends for a while and I was in a completely new setting. I fell into a very depressed state for a long time, but thankfully I had gotten help from several areas:

I began to attend Zen Meditations that were offered on Mondays and Thursdays. I was able to make friends at Seminary and was even included into their, “Squad”. And I even began to see a counselor every two weeks, which was one of the best decisions I could make for myself at the time.

I also had new adventures while in Texas:

Of course, my first semester at Brite Divinity was itself an adventure. I took four classes: New Testament, Theology I, History II, and Congregational Leadership. Each class was tough and challenging in a different way, but also extremely informative and made me think about myself and future ministry, which is very helpful.

I participated in another Gay Pride Parade in Fort Worth and even got to stand with my fellow Brite Students against the protestors that continuously preached hate and rejection.

I volunteered for the CYF and Chi-Rho retreats at the Southwest regional camp: Disciples Crossing.

Took a trip to have Thanksgiving with such a wonderful and incredible friend and her family.

And now, I’m back in North Carolina, visiting family and friends again and getting ready for 2016 to begin.

So that is my 2015 journey and reflections. Now it is your turn to reflect back on your 2015 journey and how much things have changed since January 1 to December 31.

But always remember…You are Awesome! You are Amazing! You are Loved!

May you continue to be loved and experience that love with your entire Ruah for the next year and more!

Peace

As a Mother Comforts Her Child

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you”- Isaiah 66:13

I was assigned in my Introduction to Theology class to write a theological proposal about God’s Love. The assignment, though simple, required a lot of reflection on my part.

I mean, we talk about God’s love all the time. “God loves us so much…” and fill in the rest. Just think about the song, “How He loves” by David Chowder Band and other mainline Christian songs and you will see the theme of God’s love everywhere.

But what does it really mean for God to really love us? What does that love look like?

In the course of writing my paper, I came to two conclusions:

First, in total honesty, we can never really know what God’s love looks like. To say that we, as human beings, can totally understand the nature and love of God is indirectly limiting God. God’s nature and love is so vast and so deep that it is impossible to truly comprehend its wonder.

However, humans can come close to having an idea what God’s love looks like and this was my second conclusion.

The best way that people can come close to understanding the love of God is by watching a mother with her child.

When a mother delivers her child into the world, she is creating life for that child and throughout that child’s life, she protects the child, she nurtures the child, she loves the child without any conditions.

God does the same with us. God created not only the world, but everyone in the world. God nurtures us to go through the trials of life, but also protects us as well. God loves us like a mother.

Perhaps this is why Jesus did not come to this world from the skies or from the Heavens directly, but through the love of his mother, Mary?

While writing my paper on God’s love being close to a mother’s love, I discovered there were a few implications to my conclusions:

If God’s love is like a mother’s love, wouldn’t that make the image of God motherly? Yes…and No.

Typically, the image of God for most Christians is that of a man or that of a Father. However, I feel that God by assigning a specific gender on God, we are still limiting God to a human image. We do this so we can understand God better, but in the process, we block out all other possible images that God is and/or could be.

The majority of biblical scriptures do portray God as male. However, there are also several biblical scriptures that portray God as female. In the Hebrew language, there is a word named “Raham”. The word has two meaning.

The first is Compassionate. Most Christians would agree that God is a compassionate God. However, the word also means Womb. So if God is compassionate, yet womb-like, wouldn’t this give God a more feminine image as well?

Also, at the end of the book of Isaiah, Isaiah is comforting the people and trying to give them hope for a future. One phrase that he says, from God, states, “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you” (66:13)

Thus it is possible for God to have a masculine and feminine qualities and it is also possible that God is beyond both of these qualities. Thus, we must be open to all the different ways that God can reach us and see God is more than one light.

The other implication is that of how do we receive God’s love. Does everyone get to have God’s love or are there certain conditions in order to receive the love of God?

I have found that many people are comfortable with saying that in order to receive God’s love, you must repent. You must stop sinning or else you will be thrown into Hell….really?

Would an all loving God throw God’s children into hell just because they sinned or didn’t repent or even if they didn’t believe? I don’t believe so. Believing in a God that has conditional love seems to me that again, we are limiting the true and all loving nature of God.

Again, look at a loving mother. When a child is born into this world, a mother does not require anything from that child. A mother doesn’t say, “You can only receive my love if you believe in me, don’t cry, and don’t do anything sinful”. A mother loves the child, no matter what without any conditions. If a mother can love her child without any conditions, then how can we say that God has conditional love? Again, we are limiting and even lowering the love of God.

It does state several times in the bible that forgiveness is important from God. However, why is it important? Does God really need our forgiveness? I don’t think so.

The act of forgiveness has nothing to do with receiving an apology. An apology is not necessary in order to forgive someone. A person who forgives, forgives not because the person who harmed them deserves the forgiveness, but because the person who forgives deserves peace.

My Grandmother used to tell me that she would forgive my Pappap every single day. My Grandmother and Pappap lived in the same house, even after they divorced. My Pappap had his negative qualities, including being rude, crude, and sometimes just down right mean to other people. My Grandmother was the opposite. She was always kind, compassionate, completely caring, but my Grandmother was also a tough woman as well and did not take crap from anyone. She had a lot of righteous anger at my Pappap, but instead, she forgave him, every single day. My Pappap never apologized for his actions to her. He never even changed his behavior. But still, my Grandma would forgive him every day, not because my Pappap deserved forgiveness, but because my Grandma chose the path to peace.

To say that God needs our repentance in order to receive God’s love has the whole equation backwards. God wants us to forgive ourselves and bring back peace into our lives. God is the definition of peace and love, because God forgives us all the time. God lives in the realm of peace instead of wraith and anger. God wants us to live in this realm of peace as well so that is why forgiveness is so important to God.

In regards to the proposed condition that, “We must believe in God in order to receive God’s love” is also incorrect in my belief. This condition implies that God must be known or recognized in order to receive God’s love. I will admit, it is very difficult to feel or see God’s love, but that does not mean that the love of God is still not present.

Take a look at the biblical story of the Prophet Moses’ birth. During those days in Egypt, baby boys were taken from their mothers and killed in order to keep the population down of the Hebrews. Moses’ mother could not allow that to happen to her child. So she did the only possible thing she could do in order to protect her child. She placed Moses in a basket and placed him in the Nile river. Moses would then be found by Pharaoh’s daughter and he would be raised in Pharaoh’s house, separate from his Hebrew family. Now, Moses’ mother did not just stop loving her child once her child was gone. Moses’ mother loved him for her entire life, even when Moses’ was not even aware of her existence.

We do not need to acknowledge God’s existence in order to receive God’s love. When we do acknowledge it, it is seen as a blessing, but not a requirement. God does not require anything from us in order to feel loved. Just like a mother does not require anything in order to love her child.

God’s love reflects that of a mother’s love and yet is far greater than we can ever imagine. So, if you have believed that you need to repent for your actions or have faith in God in order to have God’s love, I want to give you encouragement that you have already received God’s love.

God’s love cannot be stopped and it cannot be taken away. God’s love is given freely to everyone, even those that may not want it or feel like they deserve it.

You are loved, completely, totally, and forever.

Always remember, As a mother comforts and loves her child, so will God comfort and love you.

May you all have a Blessed and Loved Filled Mother's Day and may you embrace the Love of God with your Entire Ruah!

Peace,

Why Love Our Ruah?

“While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize that everyone else and everything else are also God’s creation”- Maya Angelou

It recently occurred to me that perhaps my first blog post should have explained the significance of loving one’s Ruah and what the purpose of my blog will be.

Immediately after my first post was written, I had many people ask, “What is Ruah?”

In short, Ruah is a Hebrew word that has multiple meanings in English.

The first translation of Ruah is Breath.

So why should we love our breath?

I would counter, why shouldn’t we love our breath? Our breath is essentially our life and who we are. Without our breath, we wouldn’t have life. We wouldn’t have our identity. Our breath is so important.

And loving our breath is even more important. When we don’t love our breath, we are not loving ourselves. We do not love the life that we have. I have mentioned in previous posts the importance of practicing self-care and self-love and how I have struggled with this concept for so long. Loving ourselves, the identity that we have the share, is not a bad thing. It’s actually extremely healthy. When we love ourselves and the instrument that gives us life (our breath), the quality of our lives improves. We can appreciate the gifts that we have and learn from the mistakes that we make. We recognize that we are not perfect and that is okay. We recognize that we have love and can share that love with other people.

So how can we start loving ourselves? Start by recognizing your breath.

When was the last time that you noticed your breath? Throughout the day, especially on a busy day, we tend to not even recognize that we are breathing. Of course, we know that we are breathing because if we didn’t, we would be dead. But how many times do we actually stop and think about each and single breath we take?

Recently, I’ve begun to practice Zen meditation at Brite Divinity School. In Zen, your concentration is focused on your breath. You breathe in. You breathe out. For 20 minutes, your breath is everything. The first few times I meditated, I noticed how my thoughts, my anxieties, and my concerns relaxed and flowed out of my mind.

There is a reason why whenever we are angry or upset or anxious that people suggest we “take a deep breath”. There is truth behind this seemingly simple advice. When we breathe, we move our focus away from the negatives that invade our mind and return our focus on loving the life that has been given to us.

Now, there is also a deeper, spiritual level to our Ruah as well.

The second meaning for Ruah is literally Spirit. There are two ways to interpret this word spirit: Either our human spirit or the holy spirit aka God.

In my personal understanding of Ruah, I would say that the spiritual dimension of Ruah is a combination of our physical breath, our human spirit, and God.

So…would this mean that when we breathe, are we breathing God? Is God present every time we take a physical breath? Is God in relationship with our human spirit by taking the form of our breath?

There are many people that I have talked to that are very comfortable with a God that is separate from our lives. A God that resides in heaven and looks down on us on earth. And whenever we need our God, in times of trouble or pain or suffering, all we must do is pray and hope God will answer those prayers.

Many other people would expand this by saying that God is present in our lives, such as in the middle of our church services every Sunday. However, if God can be present with us during times of worship, then why can’t God be present the rest of the time in our lives?

I find this concept of God to be troubling. It almost seems as if God is being limited to some sort of Genie or Santa figure that only has the purpose of serving our needs and that is it.

So I want you to imagine this: What would it look like if God was always present in everything we do in our lives?

A simple trip to the grocery store? God is there.

Spending time with someone you deeply care about? God is there.

Driving several hours and getting frustrated with all the other drivers around you? God is there.

Everywhere we go and everything we do, God is present.

Now, how would your life change when you become aware that God is not just present when we want God to be present, but present all the time?

This is why loving our Ruah is so important!

When we love our Ruah, we love the human spirit, the very breath that God gave us. We begin taking care of ourselves.

When we love our Ruah, we love God. We love the God that is present throughout our entire life and are in a constant relationship with God.

And when we love our Ruah, we love the breaths and the presences of God in other people.

As Maya Angelou once said, while we are creations of God, everyone and everything else is also God’s creation. We all share the same breath. We all contain the spirit of God.

Our neighbors are breathing God. Our enemies are breathing God. All the strangers in the world are breathing God.

Perhaps this is why Jesus said, “Whatever you do to your neighbor, you do to me”.

So if you are hateful to someone who has treated you wrongly, are you also hating God?

If you judge someone for being homeless instead of taking the time to know that person, are you at the same time judging God?

If a refugee from another country begs to seek refuge in your home and you refuse, are you also rejecting God?

There is this Hindu phrase that reminds me that God is present in all of us. It is called “Namaste”. And in my opinion, the best definition to this greeting is, “The Divine in me loves and recognizes the Divine in you”.

It is my hope that if everyone in the world saw God in all people; the world would begin to heal and be at peace.

So I invite you to begin the process of loving our Ruah.

Love the very life that we breathe. Love the God that resides in you. And Love the God that resides in everyone else.

Much Love, Peace, and Namaste, 

Days of Remembrance

November 3^rd. A day that continues to haunt me. A day I can’t forget. A day I will never forget.

I’m almost certain that we all have at least one day in the year that we just can’t erase from our memories. That one day that gives us just a little more pain, a little more heartache.

As a nation, this day would be 9/11. Almost everyone that I speak to about this subject has a vivid recollection of what they did that day. Even people who were nowhere near New York City seem to remember that day. This includes even me and I was just in the 3^rd grade.

However, not all days are shared across the nation. On an individualized level, we all have that one day that is very personal to us and reminds us of all the pain and grief that is always present in our heart.

This pain can take many forms: Loss, Separation, Impossible Life Choices, Death.

And sadly, no matter how long it was since that day occurred, it somehow never leaves our memories nor our hearts.

For me, that day will always be November 3^rd, 2011. The day my mother passed away.

2011 was not a good year. A lot of change happened within that year. The biggest change was my transition from High School to College. During these times of transitions, it helps when you have a support system to keep you grounded. Throughout my life, my support system has always been my mother.

There has never been a time in my life that my mom did not support me or aid me in my life. When I was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 2, she worked hard to make sure that I still got the best education I could get. She fought with difficult teachers who wanted to go against my IEP in school. She helped me understand my homework. She supported me when I had difficulty socializing but still gradually aided me into coming out of my turtle shell. She took me to a loving and supportive church that became my extended family for many years. She showed me what it means to love someone like a neighbor and how to stay true to yourself. There are so many life lessons, so many memories about my mom that to list them all could take forever. Overall, my mother was a great woman.  

If it weren’t for my mom’s support, I would be a completely different person today.

After a few weeks of being in a new environment, a new educational system, a completely new way of life, I discovered the awful truth that began the process of what I call the worst few months of my life: My mother had stage four cancer.

For the next two months, all I could do was my school work. It was the only thing that I knew to do and the only thing that helped me to forget my pain. I was thankful that I never had Tuesday and Thursday class so I was able to drive every other day to the Hospital to see my mom as much as I could. Seeing her alive gave me joy. Seeing her in the hospital though brought me back into reality and made me question, “How much longer do I have?”

Several weeks passed and one Sunday I was riding back from a College Retreat in the mountains. I got a call from my family that I need to come back to Raleigh immediately. My friend Allison Lanza drove as fast as she could from Black Mountain to Raleigh. I was terrified that I was never going to see my mom alive again. The good news was she was still alive…the bad news was that she was given one to two more weeks to live. I wanted my mom to fight. I wanted her to get a second opinion or transfer to a better hospital to receive greater care. But my mom was done. All she wanted was to go home.

Waiting was hard and not knowing was even harder. But finally the day came. November 3.

Aside from my mother’s condition, it was ironically a joyous day. My sister and her husband were getting married, which was something my mother wanted to see before she passed away. We had a small ceremony at our house and my mom was finally able to give her daughter away to her husband. While my Grandma stayed with my Mom, the rest of us went to the church where the official wedding occurred. Before we left, I kissed my mom and told her I love her. She replied, “I love you too”.

Seeing my mom weak and tired always made my spirit depressed. But surprisingly, I was having a good time at the Wedding and reception afterwards. I got to spend time with my friends, my church family, and my biological family. Somehow, I managed to forget all my struggles and just enjoy the moment with everyone.

But the day was not over. When we returned, my grandma was still beside my mom in her bedroom. As one of the oldest cousins, I decided to play a board game with my three younger cousins so they would be entertained. In the midst of the game, my father walked into my room and said the words I had been dreading since I first found out my mom had cancer. “Kevin, Mom is gone”.

Nothing. All emotions stopped. Time itself stopped. My surroundings were a complete blur. I knew the entire house was in the midst of grief, but I literally stopped feeling anything. Somehow, my body rose and followed everyone into my mother’s bedroom.

I saw my mother’s body. The image haunts me to this day. I didn’t stay long and I walked into the living room, still feeling numb. My Aunt came to me and wanted to pray with me. She prayed, I simply stood, thoughtless.

Eventually, I walked to the outside porch and just sat on the bench. In the course of several hours in the middle of the night, many family members came out to see me, to check up on me. They held my hand and cried in front of me. I simply ignored them. I didn’t acknowledge their presence. I didn’t even want them around. I wanted nobody around. I didn’t even want God near me. In fact, that night was the first time I ever turned my back on God.

Not only was I numb emotionally and mentally, but physically my body was still cold because of the weather outside. But I didn’t care. I was not moving. My minister at the time, Jamie Eubanks, came out and tried to get me to come back in, fearing I was going to freeze to death. I fought with him. I told him, I could not go back into the house with my mother still in there. He explained that Hospice care took my mother’s body away and somehow that helped, because before I knew it, I was back inside. The last thing I remember was lying down in a solitary corner in the house and eventually falling asleep from emotional exhaustion.

So now, every November 3^rd, I remember these events. I remember the emotions, the pain, my mother’s face…and I grieve all over again. It’s been 5 years and I still grieve and the hard part is that I know I am going to be grieving for the rest of my life.

Yet somehow, despite all the pain and suffering that I experience from my mother’s loss, in the end, I know I am going to be okay. My mother knew I was going to be okay and would remind me that I was going to continue and that I was going to succeed and do good things in the world. Even in the midst of death, my Mother was a strong person and her words provide me comfort that I am going to be okay.

And I want to let you know, that you will be okay too. I want to express how deeply sorry I am for your pain, your loss and help you to realize that you are going to be okay.

It’s hard when we are in the midst of our grief to remember that life goes on. It’s hard to remember all the good things, all the blessings that are still in our lives.

We all have these days when our past comes back to haunt us and we become entrapped in the grief that suffocates our souls. And even though things will never be the same as they were before, I do believe that we have a choice.

We can choose to let these days beat us, by giving up on happiness and joy and instead allow our grief to become our entire world.

Or we can continue our lives, live the best we can and know that even though our pain will always be with us, it does not control our lives.

After my Mom’s funeral, I made many choices that I do not regret: I continued to do the best I could in school and graduated with honors. I did not give up my dreams of becoming a minister even though I walked away from God on that night five years ago. I did not hold on to bitterness and hate, but instead transformed my pain to see the suffering of others and support them to the best of my ability.

It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to get angry. It’s okay to feel depressed. The pain you are feeling from your loss, it’s okay. You are going to be okay. I love you and even though we come from difficult situations and have different pains, I want you to know that you are going to be okay. You are loved, by me, by your loved ones, and by God and all of us are going to comfort you and love you and help you to realize that you are going to be okay.

I think Rev. Rob Bell said it best in his video called “Matthew”.

“May you realize that God is sitting shivah with you, fully present, grieving your loss, but also restoring. And in that, may we find hope”.

Peace,

In Memory of Doreen Toth

Loving Mother, Daughter, Sister, Wife, Aunt, and Friend