Tough

In late 2014, the day after Thanksgiving, my grandmother died. She was in a hospice nursing home when my Dad, youngest cousin, and I went to see her that morning. We quickly realized something was not right. The nurses came in and shared that she was gone. Everyone was devastated. My Aunt and my sister later came to the room where we all grieved. I was sitting in a corner, crying into my hands, when my Dad laid my hands on my shoulder and said, “Not here. You need to be strong for your Aunt and sister now”.

Have you ever had an experience similar to mine? When you are hurt, or sad, or grieving, or angry….and you’re told not to feel anything right now because you need to be “tough”?

I’ve seen this countless time in my young life. Men, who shared that it’s not appropriate to cry because they need to take care of others. Women, who shared that some people will make comments like, “oh, women are too emotional and need to tone it down…”

I find both of these cases to be a great insult upon the nature of the human being. Our emotions are not a hindrance to our lives, but a blessing.

Without emotions, how would we know when things matter? How would we understand what gives things in our lives or even life in general meaning?

How would we know if something is an act of injustice or not without our anger?

How would we know if we truly love someone if we are not able to cry at their loss?

Emotions are what give us life. And I believe they are an integral part of our identity, the same identity that was formed in our creation.

And yet, somehow, our cultures, our societies, have taught the human race that to be a man, you must be tough, you can’t show emotions. To be a woman, you can show emotion but just don’t be over-dramatic with yourself.

These lessons, that even I have been taught implicit and explicitly, have damaged our way of living and I argue have caused so many communities and individuals a great source of unspoken pain.

For this reason, every time I enter a patient’s room or I speak with a grieving or angry individual or family, I always remind them, “everything you are feeling right now, it is okay.”

Even at times, it’s a reminder I have to give myself. These lessons of being pseudo tough don’t die easily. The best reminder for myself is to remember when Jesus lost his friend, Lazarus, and saw all the people crying, he too took a moment to cry, to weep.

And it’s not just that the son of God was allowed to release emotions and so can we. It’s also a subtle reminder of what it means to be human and to have deep personal connections with others. To feel for them is to be connected with them. And when we try to block up our emotions, as if they do not matter, they can become ingrained into our identity to the point that it can be very difficult to make any more deep emotional connections with anyone again.

We are called to be in relationship with each other. We are called to in community with each other. And as much as even I admit that emotions can be messy, they can be chaotic and yes, emotions are even painful…they still allow me, allow us, to connect with other people as God intended for us to be in.

If you are a man, who has been taught to be “tough” and not show emotions; my hope is for you that you can allow yourself grace, to cry and to grieve as you need to express the pain and loss you are going through.

If you are a woman, who has been told you are being, “too much” with your emotional expressions; my hope is for you that you remember that no matter how you are expressing those emotions, you are okay.

And may we all be reminded that true toughness is when we are so in touch with our emotions that we do not hide from them, we do not put them away, but we embrace them as they are a part of who we are.

Much love, peace, and grace be upon you,